humor
"Humor is what binds humans together and makes difficult times just a little less painful; Sometimes you can't help but laugh. "
Are You Reeeaallly Sick?
Well it’s officially winter which means it’s now okay for me to pretend to be sick. I could easily actually be sick, but I could totally also just be a little bit chilly. It’s most definitely the time to sit in my bed, curl up with tea, and watch a sitcom about a goofy six-person friend dynamic within their living or work environment. And ya sweetie, I do have a canvas tab open for the illusion of efficiency. I truly can't imagine life way up north. Where you get a glimpse at the sun maybe once a day. There is no way to do anything besides exist. Capitalism is a sham and I'll choose to listen to the earth. We all should! It's impressive that we've kept up a facade all summer and nwo the universe is telling us that we get to rest. We get to lie down with tissues in our nose because even if it is not running, when else do we get to expirience that pillowy hug from the inside out? The fact that I can walk home from the bus stop, boil water, put on fuzzy socks, and watch TV ‘till I’m anxious all before the sun sets is a serious fucking accomplishment considering it’s basically dark at noon, noon-thirty. But see here’s the thing with the sun, do we use this a marker of the end of the day? When it’s gone, is that the point at which I change from DayQuil to NyQuil? I genuinely don’t know. I don’t know how to dose myself for anything. I wasn’t allowed MSG or Advil until I was like my own human at 13 and even then I had way more motivation to spend my limited quarters on Corn Nuts and Doritos over the likes of weak painkillers. I never fully learned how to take functional drugs. I have no practice. I’m just so tired all the time and can’t tell if it’s the Benadryl. Did I take the drowsy version? Or have I not drinken water in 4 days? I can’t stop itching my fucking neck and arms. And throat and shoulders. I can’t sleep at all, so I normally just vacuum and reorganize the tea bags. Once the tea bags are organized and re-organized to my liking, I will then divert my focus to the spice area. My friends think that it’s because of the pseudoephedrine I’m taking as a decongestant, but I’m starting to think it’s because of the meth. Whatever, friends are stupid and don’t know anything. They’re the ones who said my runny nose wasn’t because of my cat allergy but rather because of my “serious” and “crippling” “cocaine” “dependency”. I don’t know. It’s winter and I’m sad. If there is any advice I have for others, it’s this. And I don’t want to overstep, so I’ll make it short. Buy that Snuggie. They genuinly are up to something. The fierce wind that hits your soft and supple under bicep as you reach for your bowl is just not worth it. You wanted one like eight years ago so you should just do it, cocknob. I’m not sure if that “As Seen on TV” store is still in your mall but you should do it! And I say these next tiny bits of wisdom with confidence. 1) Trust WebMD 2) The “immune system” is a conspiracy theory introduced during the Reagan era to distract us from the gutting of public housing funds. And finally, 3) go ahead and just chug those pricey Emergen-C packets straight. Super Orange or Cranberry. Never Tangerine. Never Raspberry. Chug. Don’t mix with water and don’t snort.
By Julia Neal5 years ago in Humans
12 signs that your neighbourhood Facebook group has invaded your thinking way too much . . .
Your local Facebook page can tell you a lot about your part of town, village, or neighbourhood - great local walks. Reminders as to when the bins should be put out. Which streets to avoid at night. But for all the delights that your neck of the woods has to offer its great and good, there are always a few keyboard warriors who seem to have nothing more to do but fill your timeline with their endless local vendettas . . .
By jamie harding5 years ago in Humans
I couldn't be a vampire
Okay, fuck it, hear me out here. I'm nocturnal. The perks of having a video game addiction and working a job where hours are all over the place, but mainly skewed towards the evening. As much of a night owl as I can be - and hell, I've pushed the barriers of messing with circadian rhythms further than I would have liked over time - I couldn't be a vampire. A night bat if you will.
By CJ Francis5 years ago in Humans
My First Time in the Navy
Every good Sea Story starts with this is a no-shitter, and this one is one of those. In Nineteen Seventy-Nine, I was a Nuke Power student. When I graduated from ET School in the Great Lakes, my class was not ready, so I got a transfer to the USS Vogelgesang, DD 862, before Nuke School in Orlando. I was green. I was more green than a freshly cut Pear Tree.
By Mark Stigers 5 years ago in Humans
Post Xmas Xmas Party
Santa Claus took one last look at himself in the mirror, dropped his head to the back of the cistern, and easily vacuumed up the other line of cocaine he’d cut himself up just a few minutes ago. He could instantly taste the 100% pure quality of the stuff (The President himself had personally given it to him, as a Christmas present of course), and it didn't take long for the usual dopamine charged euphoria to wash over him for what seemed like the thousandth time that evening.
By Lloyd Blunden5 years ago in Humans
I Swear I’m Not Trying To Steal Your Truck
Here’s a fun fact. Back in the days when trucks had actual keys, if you put the wrong Ford key into a Ford ignition, the truck would think “STRANGER DANGER!” and completely shut down. As in, call a towing company, because only a Ford dealership knew how to bring your truck back from the dead.
By Bev Potter5 years ago in Humans
As I Lay Here
As I lay here, wide awake, the sounds are overwhelming. I hear the leaves rustle behind the broken boards that are left of the broken wall. I hear the howl of the wolves in the woods. I hear the buzzing of the flies by the hole filled ceiling. As I lay here, wide awake, I wonder if I’ll ever be warm again. If I’ll ever see my mother, who kept me inside for so long. I am scared. I am alone. I hide, behind the old stacks of hay inside the worn down barn. I traveled far from my warm, safe home to be in this dump. Now I wonder, will I starve to death here? I hear my stomach growling and I can’t help but wonder why I left to begin with.
By Chrystal Hynek5 years ago in Humans
My COVID Slumber Party
I remember the surreal day that we were put on lock down. I was so clueless I honestly didn't even know corona was a thing. And there I was questioning if we were even aloud to go to the grocery store, learning how to create a makeshift sterilized mask, using hand sanitizer until my skin was dry, and questioning every time I bit my fingernails if I had caught the dreaded corona!
By Stevi Vaughn5 years ago in Humans
