I Should Have My Life Together by Now

I am 35 years old, and I hope that I never stop working to figure out my life. I grew up the same way that most people in small towns in CT do. We were pushed to graduate high school, go to college, get married, give up our careers for love, have babies, and then we would get the "I have my life together" sticker.

I know this because my best friend is one year younger than me. She grew up in the same town as me. She graduated from high school, went to college, built a career, recently got married, and is now looking to start a family and focus on being a stay-at-home mom. She is 33 and panicking that she is behind.

Here is the secret that no one will tell you: There is no actual way to have your life together. There is no universal definition for success. There is no checklist we can follow that will leave nothing left to finish.

I am 35, I graduated high school early, joined the Army, then finished my term and had a son as a single mom. I have been broke and broken down. I have made six figures, and I lost it all trying to live up to the expectations that I believed the world had of me. I am an honor student now in college, in my mid-thirties, but I was a college dropout before.

I am chronically ill and have trouble moving around my house, and I am working on being able to go on long walks again. I have also been the girl who free-climbed rocks along highways and hiked 30 miles in one day.

There are multiple seasons to our lives.

Now, I am raising a 12-year-old son who has schizophrenia and autism. I am married to someone who is truly my partner in every way, but he also calls me out and challenges me when I need it. Is this the life that is laid out for us? Absolutely not, but I would not change a thing about it.

I am in the process of buying a home from a friend, building a homestead, and allowing myself to breathe.

Next week, all of that might be different, and that is ok.

I never want to retire. I never want to be stuck doing the same thing if it no longer makes me happy.

I just want to be happy. I want to raise a kid who is happy and can survive this world.

I want a country that doesn't check all of our nervous systems in the wrong way.

I want people to feel safe, free, and motivated to do something other than just survive. I want to write, to create. I want to see incredible films, learn new languages, and write the next great acceptable novel.

The day that my life is truly together is the day that I stop growing and changing, and I never want that. I never want to wake up and think, "Ok, this is it, that's all there is."

I will be a perfectly happy hot mess and live every day knowing that there is a possibility of something new and exciting on the horizon.

I will be proud of myself in the same way that I was running marathons, as I will be walking to the end of the road.

I will feel as accomplished as I did when I made six figures, as I do watching my son and husband sit at the breakfast table together.

But I promise I will never have my life together.