Night of The Pandas

Just an FYI: March 16th is National Panda Day!

It began like any other night. My husband, brother, and I took our dogs out for a late-night stroll. They did not like being out around our neighbors or their respective pets, and neither did we, so this routine suited us just fine--anything to maintain the peace.

At least, that is what we thought. Nature, it seems, had its own chaotic ideas to unleash. It did not happen all at once, no, it began slowly. Starting with an overwhelming, very distinct odor. It was a hot, musky, waxy-like scent. Almost like a putrid combination of grass, feces, and stomach acid.

"Ugh," My brother groaned, pinching his nose in disgust. "Who forgot to pick up the dog poop?"

My husband and I exchanged glances. We both held up our respective scent-blocking dog-waste management bags and shook our heads. Very rarely do we forget to dispose of the poop, but he did make a valid point: something smelled really bad.

"Huh," He muttered, continuing his leisurely walk with us. "Maybe the city is cleaning out the sewers again? Or someone left the trash out, and a stray got into it?"

I shrugged my shoulders as I pulled my Terrier to attention, as he got distracted by a discarded piece of chicken. "Both are possible, maybe it will go away?"

My husband replied, frowning in disgust, as he pulled our Pit Bull along casually. "I hope so, it smells like crap!"

There is a long period of nothing. In which the three of us just enjoyed the silence as we continued our walk. Crisp cool air blowing followed by the occasional neighborhood bark of a dog or a car horn. Normal sounds that we have grown used to living in this semi-urban area. Suddenly, a low growl came from the nearby group of bushes.

"What was that?" I gasped, jumping behind my husband for protection.

He turned on his flashlight and shone it around, but nothing appeared. "Weird," He muttered, as he turned it back off. "It sounded like something was there, but I guess it ran off."

Feeling uncertain, I whispered, "It was right there, though! Can you check for me?"

He rolled his eyes, sighed, then said, "Yeah, I will." Carefully, he gave me the Pit Bull's leash to hold as he investigated the strange noise.

Using a nearby large stick, he began to swipe and strike at the bushes like one of his video game characters. A noble swordsman keeping a demonic presence at bay. After a few seconds, nothing came running out of the bushes. Thank God.

Swollen with pride, my husband announced, "Whatever was there is gone. We are safe."

My brother, who had removed his pocket knife from his pants, sighed in relief. Then he looked disappointed. "Man, I thought I was going to get to use this bad boy!"

I giggled. "Well, keep it out, maybe a squirrel will threaten us or something."

We continued our walk. Quickly forgetting the strange incident. This was a grim mistake on our parts. One that haunts me to this day.

----

Rounding the final corner, less than a block from our house, a large furry creature darts out in front of us. Blood and entrails hanging from its jaws. Wheezing heavily, it comes even closer, allowing us to see what it is. A panda with matted fur and wild, crazed eyes. Clearly, something is wrong with it.

Every documentary I have seen about bears clearly says to never run or make loud noises if you encounter one in the wild. I locked eyes with my husband and whispered, "We have got to back up, slowly and quietly."

Both he and my brother nodded in agreement, backing away from our black and white visitor.

The plan derails fast as my Terrier, and my husband's Pit Bull started barking at it, making it growl at them in response. Frantically, we pulled on their leashes, forcing them to retreat backwards. Unfortunately, this did not quell the furry beast.

It lunged at us, making all three of us and the dogs sprint for safety into our house. Provided we could make it. A block is far away when one is running for their life.

My chest grew heavy and tired as we struggled to keep away from the panda. They can run up to 25 miles per hour, if agitated. Well, I am sure this one is, because it is running faster than I expected it to.

"What..." I panted, pumping my legs as hard as I could. "Do we do? We cannot outrun it!"

Suddenly, my husband picked up a nearby metal trash can and threw it at the panda, stunning it slightly. "The...car..." He wheezed, pointing to the lot where we have to park our vehicle.

My brother pushed the auto-unlock function and screamed, "Get in!"

Practically throwing the dogs in the back seat, my husband, brother, and I dove into the car and locked the doors.

I turned the car on and asked, "Where are we going? Home?"

"Yeah, at least until we can figure out what the hell is going on." My brother replied as he secured the dogs in the back seat.

As I turned around, the panda slammed into the side of our vehicle, making it wobble back and forth.

"Oh, hell no!" I shouted, slamming on the accelerator. The car slides off in a random direction, but not before crushing the panda's paw in the process. It growled in pain. "Take that, you furry menace!"

With great force, I stopped our aimless drifting and returned the wheels to the correct direction. Then I warned the guys in the back, "Hang on tight, Mama is speeding tonight!"

They braced for anything while I drove like a maniac to our house. Where a horrible scene waited for us. The front porch, roof, and driveway were covered in pandas!

I parked carefully on the edge of our neighbor's yard.

My brother asked, in all seriousness, "Did we piss off God or something? Because this is some biblical levels of bull crap!"

The radio clicked on at this moment. "Breaking news, there appear to be mass sightings of pandas all over the metro area. If you encounter one, please do not engage it. Remain calm and back away, slowly, then retreat to a safe area. At this time, local shelters are-"

It cut out. Are you serious!? Now, when we need information the most!? I hate this stupid car. There is always something wrong with it.

"Come on!!!" I yelled, pounding my fists into the dashboard. "Work, you stupid thing!!!"

"Um, honey?" My husband mumbled, tapping on my shoulder. I looked back at him, and he had the look of absolute terror in his eyes. "I think we should go..."

"We are, but without knowing where to go-" I am interrupted by a crashing sound, followed by a roar.

All three of us look at our house, which is currently being smashed to pieces by pissed-off pandas. Except one that was on the roof. Where could it be?

"Sissy!!! My brother yelled as he frantically yanked on my seat.

It did not take long to see what made him freak out like that: it was a panda on the hood of our car. Angrily swiping at the windshield. The glass began to vibrate from the attack.

Without hesitation, I attempt to start the car. The engine sputtered, emitted a dark smoke, then died. I turned the ignition a few more times, but nothing happened. Why did I not have it serviced sooner!?

Before I could react, the windshield shattered, sending a massive panda through the glass fragments and into my skull. I did not feel a thing as my headless body slumped over dead.

---

Suddenly, my eyes fly open. Instead of white fluffy clouds or pearly gates, I see my concerned Terrier licking my face. Wait, am I not dead?

My husband gently shakes my shoulder, his face deep in the many pillows, and mumbles, "Are you okay? You were screaming a lot."

I sit up, pushing the dog away. "Where, where did all the pandas go? Did the government kill them off?"

He raises his head from the pillows, looking confused. "Pandas? What the hell are you talking about?"

Equally confused, I spent the next few minutes explaining what happened. Or rather, what I thought happened. When I finish, my husband chuckles heartily and then hugs me. Alright, now I am more confused than before.

"Honey," He sighs, kissing my cheek. "None of that was real. You were having a nightmare."

"Nightmare?" I mumble, shaking my head. "Why would I have panda nightmares?"

Someone knocks on the bedroom door. "Come in!" I reply. Maybe whoever is there has answers for me.

My brother walks in, rubbing his eyes. "Sissy, are you having nightmares? I heard screaming, and not sex screaming."

Well, if he is also saying it was nightmares, then it has to be. But that begs the question, why? Of all the creatures in the animal kingdom, why pandas? And why was the nightmare so...weird?

"I guess it was nightmares." I sigh, scratching my head. "It was so weird though! All these pandas were running around attacking people, ransacking our house, then one of them killed me."

Shaking his head, my brother says, "I told you not to eat spicy chicken poppers while watching that panda documentary. Especially right before bed!"

---

Thank you, Mike Singleton, for inspiring me to write this, and Happy National Panda Day!