Where Did I Go?

The clock on my wall ticks for the 7200th time today.

The house is quiet and my tea is warm.

From the outside, a passing car leaves a trail of light into my room.

It is a warm spring night, perfect for a walk. I hear a faint beat from a song whose lyrics I can’t remember.

Sitting here, my thoughts are spinning with the ticks of time.

My memory, as usual, holds me tight and lets me go, only to pick me up again. It draws a perfect picture of that one person.

The smile, the jokes, the long texts, the honesty that only the letters of a yellow paper could ever taste.

How wonderful, to only remember that side of you.

How unfair, to forget all the pain you have caused.

How shallow, to erase all the tears I have shed.

Why is it that I can’t hate you? As hard as I try, I just can’t.

I was upset.

I was angry.

I was hurt.

Then, I was happy.

I was grateful.

I was at peace.

No matter how hard I try, my heart forgives you so easily.

No apologies.

No words of comfort.

No reconciliation.

My memory still doesn’t seem to care.

It remembers all the good times, all the kindness that you gave.

But it doesn’t remember when you took it away.

Hearing my name in rooms I wasn’t in.

Being remembered only when I was needed.

Then, for a certain need or to ask a certain favour only I could fulfil, those people were nice.

They were good, kind and warm.

How, from all the sea of bad memories, the first ones that come to my mind were the very few and very false good ones?

All of them are there, all the moments that I painted.

Maybe my heart is protecting me, through this fog of forgiveness.

Forgiving without hearing a single word of apology is not freedom.

It is not kindness to myself.

It is not an act of mercy.

It is surrender.

The inability to hate is good.

It is peaceful.

It embraces me.

And yet, it does not keep me away.

It is something that throws me back into the same circle.

It is something that ties me to the same people.

It pulls me in and never lets me go.

This sea, this world, this life, they all seem so blurry now, and yet so sparkling.

Looking over this land of hope, I cannot help but wonder where did I lose myself.

This journey has been so long and yet so short, jumping between people cities, memories, tears and smiles,

And it all seems to have come down to this one simple night, to this very moment.

So much evil and so much kindness all around me.

So many good songs and so many beautiful flowers.

So many abandoned houses and shattered souls.

So many tracks of all those who lived.

And everywhere, my footsteps.

Away or close to yours.

Hurried or slow.

Confident or hesitating.

In all this love and all this hate, my footsteps guide my way.

For those who may come behind me, I hope it will guide theirs too.

Away from this prison, away from this suffering.

The inability to hate is my gift.

The gift is my world.

My world is me.

So, where did I go?

© [2026] [Sophie D.]. All Rights Reserved.