An open marriage

It didn’t happen overnight.

One day, I fantasised about a threesome with two hot guys, staying in the apartment next door.

We looked each other, up and down, as they entered their front door.

It got me curious as to..

‘What could happen, if I were to knock on the door?’

I sensed their vibe, they were socialising and partying, carrying in their evening supplies in shopping bags. Arm held, tins of alcohol, with the sweet smell of marijuana following them, in the air.

We quite clearly, all found each other attractive.

The instinctive look up and down, smiles followed.

That electric feeling, that energy? Instant attraction!

I had a tendency to fantasise about, being intimate with others, whilst in a relationship, but this time it started, after I had got married.

My husband and I, were away for a romantic weekend in a seaside town, meters from the beach.

The two men, looked like brothers or cousins, had a beach vibe, white skin, with dreadlocks, toned slender, bodies.

They walked in their door, we closed our door. My husband and I had our stay, by ourselves.

Fantasy thoughts lingered

Until one day, they were thoughts I couldn’t ignore.

Feelings I had repressed and certain parts of myself which needed to re-surface.

So, I confessed my thoughts to my husband.

‘I am fantasising about having sex with other men.’

‘The men, at the beach stay.’

Naturally, his first reaction was a state of shock, he wondered, why I hadn’t told him sooner?

Not because he was turned on by it, but because he wouldn’t have married me, if he knew.

Equally, I didn’t know ‘those thoughts’ would arrive again, but they did.

It was a hard conversation to have.

Before I brought up the conversation, I was trying to understand my feelings, evaluating, all my dating history, how I would have emotional affairs/attachments or desires for unavailable men, hidden fantasies. Or simply, move on and try to purrsue the next one!

I had one instance of infidelity when I was 16, a ‘one night stand’ which made me feel guilt and shame, never to be repeated again. It taught me a big lesson.

And I never did that again.

But I had always been a ‘relationship person’ I had never explored threesomes or properly explored open relationships.

My husband, had explored the threesome world in the past, but he wasn’t envisaging this encounter with his wife!

So, I approached the conversation, which looking back, it was a blur, I can’t really remember any of it.

After a period of a month or so, we talked about,

‘If we did open up our marriage, how could it work?’

‘Who would we be comfortable with, if we were to explore!’

I gave my suggestion, as did he.

My husband suggested, let’s explore his choice first.

He would be in charge of the situation.

He didn’t want me being ‘open’ on my own.

This way, he would have control over the situation.

This was to help ease, vulnerability and fear.

His thoughts..

‘I would run off with the person and develop an emotional connection!’

I was however happy with our lifestyle, a healthy sex life, our beautiful life in the countryside.

‘The thought of freedom excited me, occasionally it would be nice to go out and experience sexual fun!’

I don’t experience any type of jealousy, the thought of others enjoying pleasure, pleasures me.

Including my husband, having sexual liaisons with another women. Not, that he wanted to.

Thinking about it, I would encourage these conversations, throughout our relationship, but never saw it was an issue

I just felt I was playful, in my suggestions.

My husband and I had only met 18 months previous.

And of course, when you first meet, someone new, you have the conversation.

What are you looking for?

What are you into?

I did ask him..

‘Would you be interested in threesomes, foursomes?’

When we started dating, I was exploring an open connection previously, looking for a threesome, and I guess that never left the back of my mind.

My husband to be, said no to being interested in ‘sexual group activity’ and I left it as that.

In the right manner, I ended a connection which was beautiful and loving, but it wasn’t a traditional relationship. Part of me, longed for a commitment.

I had gone through a trail of unstable love partners or non-commiters!

When I first met my husband, we had an undeniable sexual attraction, a lot of passion and I felt relationship vibes from the start.

On our first date, he dressed up smart, bringing chocolates and flowers.

We stopped off at a cafe on route to a date in a beautiful location, by a river on a sunny spring day.

As we sat down with our coffees in the cafe. I wasn’t listening to the words he spoke.

I was mesmerised at, how attractive he was with a symmetrical face, dark features, well groomed, brown eyes, long eyelashes, perfect eyebrows, dark beard, beautiful European accent.

Our date lasted overnight and into the next day. We knew we couldn’t keep our hands off each other.

Very speedily, I put my open needs to the side, pursuing a more traditional relationship, fully enchanted!

Back to now!

I wasn’t asking my husband for the normal, day to day request, that you get from your wife.

I was asking my husband, to open up our marriage.

I fully respected my husband’s rules, his choice first, because he knew ‘his contact’ would only engage through him. It felt a safer option for him.

We agreed, we would do this together. As in, not venture off for sexual encounters, by ourselves.

My husbands connection, Jim, was somebody I only knew, through my relationship with my husband, he was kind, charming and very good looking.

I was already happy, thrilled and excited, this could be entertained.

My husband approached his friend Jim, over the telephone, as he was living overseas. And straightaway, be was interested, he was single. They had various conversations back and forth.

The following week, we arranged another phone call with Jim.

I felt an intense spark, looking into Jim’s eyes, it was a full of red blooded desire.

The look into his eyes felt electric, thoughts of, what was yet to come, the anticipation, the excitement. I could feel it through the telephone.

Then, once again the following week, my husband video phoned Jim.

This time, to watch me, as I took a shower.

It was very natural, a chance for him to see my body. It turned me on, him watching me.

He liked what he saw and commented on my body, how we liked my ass, I already knew, I liked what I saw!

A week later, we moved our video chat, into the bedroom.

Jim watched, as my husband had sex with me, the phone resting on the headboard, as my husband bent me over the bed.

I could see Jim was playing with himself, he could see my breasts moving up and down, it was a huge turn on, we all felt comfortable. We were ready to meet in person.

Our honeymoon had been delayed a year, it was very possible Jim could meet us on honeymoon.

The thought of my husband, letting me have sex with another man, was the best gift he could give me.

I genuinely felt it would make my husband & I stronger.

All three of us, were communicating well, putting each other at ease, discussing what would we like to happen, what sexual boundaries do we have.

And for setting the scene.

Jim, asked, would I like champagne and flowers.

But amongst discussing our wishes and desires, my husband was nervous and anxious.

Doubts crept in..

After we had done it the first time, would it be enough for me?

Would I want more?

My honest thoughts were probably yes, because I think it would unleash something inside of me.

Would my husband still look at me in the same afterwards? As he had done before.

He told me this thought, but it didn’t hold me back, it was a risk I was willing to take.

Is this how, he wanted his wife to be? Not the image he had of her, before these carnal desires were discussed.

It was time, to switch off our overactive thoughts. We ventured off on our honeymoon, but with open minds.

We had yet to book the hotel room together, but discussed logistics with Jim and had an area in mind. We planned to peruse the hotels online once we had arrived. We chose an area to travel to, which would suit us all. Rather than Jim joining us in our honeymoon suite with roll top bath, hot tub and luxurious surroundings, we saved those nights for the two of us.

My husband arranged to meet Jim, the day before our threesome, alone. To discuss our plans.

I honoured this time, for the two men to be comfortable and went with the flow.

My husband started getting jittery before meeting Jim and left me alone for the day.

I reassured him, it needed to feel right and we were in this together. If one of us, didn’t feel comfortable, then it wouldn’t happen.

My husband left, to see Jim, but one drink lead to another, Jim left so many calls, all of them missed, as my husband proceeded to get drunk alone.

As a consequence, my husband finally turned up at Jim’s, at an unreasonably late hour and naturally he didn’t answer the door.

I didnt feel like my dreams had disappeared, I did feel willing to wait.

As, we had both agreed it needed to feel right. Hopefully Jim would understand too. My husband had got too nervous, Jim was very upset.

When we arrived back in UK from honeymoon, I was then, thinking about ‘my choice’ of threesome.

So, I asked my husband, can we connect with Derek.

Derek was my choice of connection, once again, he was somebody I couldn’t shake from my mind. He was my ‘open connection’ that perhaps my mind could never close the door on!

We created a what’s app where we could all see the conversation and it was very mature and respectful.

Derek was up for some kinky sex text, foreplay to see what we were into, but my husband suggested meet for a coffee first, as Derek was local.

My husband didn’t want to engage in playful chat.

Which felt a bit of a shame, as it would be a good way to get to know each other.

But of course, respectful, if face to face was the way forward for my husband, then I would do my best, to navigate this path.

I felt comfortable ‘in my head’ that both men would get along, I really needed them both to trust me.

A few weeks passed and my husband was too busy, to discuss plans, he said, let’s wait until the weekend, but the time to connect never came.

I grew restless and the reality was, my husband couldn’t play out my fantasies.

It was the stark realisation, this won’t actually happen.

Also, Derek, wanted everything in place correctly too, and it simply wasn’t working out. He sensed that. It was no longer feeling natural, messages were longer apart.

I genuinely approached marriage as a ‘forever’.

We had passion, a great sex life, still very attracted to each other, a good day to day understanding, spending most of our time together, shared dreams, goals, and a house together, almost a 3 figure joint salary, but it wasn’t enough.

I now understand, my needs are a part of me, that couldn’t be repressed and nor was it fair to pressure my husband into anything, nor was it fair to for me to fit into a ‘traditional marriage’ shaped box.

We knew we were going in opposite directions, that hurt us both a lot.

My husband thought he had married the perfect wife who was devoted to him, only him, and rightly so!

I wish I could have been that person. But I’m not.

My desire wanted more and the realisation was that, one man could never be enough for me.

Whoever the man is! It’s not that the man is lacking. It is that my desire is open and free.

Perhaps I am of a polyamorous mindset?

I have so much love to give, I feel it could be for more than one person.

Especially sharing love, in an upfront and honest way, like I was honest with my husband.

No secrets, no hidden fantasies, now was the time to embrace me and become fully authentic.

The reality is, with trust, respect and open communication, I believe, it is all possible.

We all have our unique energy with each one of our friends, why is this not the case, with interpersonal relationships?

The reality was, I was leaving my marriage, to explore ‘open relationships.’

I don’t know where it will lead me, but I know I need to explore it, to get to know myself.

(My book EXPLORE Erotica, is going through publication with Olympia Publishers, due to be released 2027)

Share my journey with me.

A 🖤